It was a rough year for me and the people around me. I am wanting to end this year already and see what 2015 have for me, my family and people who are dear to me.
There's nothing happy about this blog which supposedly the other way around since it has been centuries from my previous post. May I consider this post as something to end all the crap I had and having and a hope to have something good in the very near future.
Early this year, my grandfather from my father's passed away. It was already expected since he was suffering from Alzheimer for more than 2 years already. It was not a happy expectation though, it was more of we are wanting him to just end all his hardship and just get a rest with our Almighty Father, forever.
I dreamed of Tatay (as how we call my grandfather. It means father.) several times after he was buried. The first 2 or 3 dreams wasn't easy for me since I very much aware that he is already dead and it's hard for me to talk to him knowing that I am possibly talking to a ghost. Well, it just felt weird. On the last dream I had of him is basically a goodbye. I was with my niece on a bus and when I turned at the seats on our back, I saw Tatay looking very young. I told him that I still don't want to talk since he is already dead and I'm scared. He said that he was just wanting to say goodbye to my niece before he leaves. From then on, I know for a fact that he's already travelling back to the arms of the Lord our God.
After my grandfather passing away, I had some depression not because of his death but of some circumstances that had gone out of my control. It was never fully resolve to be honest, but I am now learning how to deal with it and basically forget about it. One day, I may be able to share it but I just can't, for now.
Then come July, just a few days after my mom's birthday, I had witnessed, so far, the most painful event of my life. My father passed away. I never had a perfect family, my childhood was fucked up and I learned to me because of the imperfections of our family. But I am still lucky enough to know that I actually have a father. I won't lie, my daddy is probably watching me as I do this. I have hated him most of my life. I blamed him most of the time why I need to go through what I've been to become who I am now. There are so much stories which are not appropriate for the blog anymore. But when I saw him having the hardest part of his life, it seemed like he didn't do anything wrong. I have forgiven him in an instant. All I am thinking is how miserable of him for having me as a daughter who can't do anything to keep him alive. I saw him from the point that he got stroked and wanting to get up to prove everyone that he is fine, to the part that he can no longer move, when he was comatose and finally, when he slowly lost his life.
It's very hard for me to write this.
It's very hard to be reminded that I no longer have a father.
I have dreamed of my dad several times as well. He wasn't talking to me on the first 2 or 3 dreams I had of him. It felt like he was mad. The last dream I had of him is the completely opposite of the few first dreams. He was waiving at me and smiling. I am really hoping that he is happy now in heaven. I know God will take good care of him up there, and I hope he was looking his best again just like how my mom describes him when they were younger.
All I have now is a prayer that he may watch over our family, especially my nephew, niece and mom. And of course, he may find his peace wherever he may be now.
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